It's 2014 here now. I heard the people celebrating in the streets. The thought of having to live another year makes me sob and sob. I know I haven't posted in a while but I have been lurking and thinking about you all. I just haven't known what to say. I put on a good show for Christmas, but since then I haven't been able to face it. Max and I have been holed up in my bedroom all the time. He's been so good to me, giving me lots of cuddles: I hardly deserve him. I just feel completely and utterly hopeless about the future. The OT will only work with me if I have goals to work towards, and I have none. I don't even care about going back to Uni any more. The psychologist will only work with me after I've made some progress with the OT. I suppose he doesn't want to waste his time. So it looks like I'm on my own.

I'm just so scared of everything. I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my benefits because the doctors think there's nothing wrong with me. And I'm terrified about having to get a job. I'm terrified that my parents will get sick of me and throw me out and I'll be homeless. The voices are constantly taunting me. They don't say anything, but I can feel them there and I know that they're being quiet to make me think that I made them up, that I'm a terrible person. My parents keep asking what's wrong, but I can't say. I just want to die, but I don't want to worry them. They were so scared when I was in hospital and I don't want to do that to them again.

People keep texting wishing me a happy new year, but I couldn't be any less happy if I tried. Everyone around me seem so happy and content, but it's like I'm in a bubble and no-one can reach me. Everyone seems to know where they're going and what they want in life, but I'm just completely clueless. I'm 27 and have done nothing with my life. I'm a shell of a person, barely existing. It all just feels so futile.

*Willow*