I just want to know what negative features of myself that I should be working on. I mean, I used to be ugly and too overweight and now I'm not. I mean, I could stand to lose a little more weight, but I wouldn't consider myself fat. It's just tough when you have next to no hips because unless you have zero stomach, you always look fatter than you are. But, I've changed my hair color/hair care, improved my make-up skills and somehow my face has magically become something that doesn't need a lot of make-up. So I fixed my looks. I also used to be a jerk to all the guys because that was literally the only way to get them to not make fun of me and to actually listen to me. They always acted like I was completely worthless in every way and I had to make sure they knew they would regret messing with me. I'm not mean like that anymore…unless I need to stand up for myself of course.

So I've fixed what I saw was my main problems and yet it hasn't helped at all. I don't know what else needs to be fixed or if I can even fix it. And that's depressing because now I don't even know what's so awful about me when before I did.

I just want to feel like I can ask a guy to mess around without being laughed at or something. I don't even know how to ask something like that anyway…I mean ideally, this would happen in a long-term relationship, but if I wait for that, I could be waiting my entire life.

And it's just hurtful that ANY other girl seems to be able to just ask any guy and they'll say yes. And yet here I am, better than most of these guys are ever going to get and I get a no in the most disrespectful manner possible. In some cases I deserved that, but not in all cases.

I think being myself is what drives people away…especially guys. Probably because some guys feel emasculated by me because I'm just as much if not more the knight in shining armor rather than the princess, if that makes sense. It just feels that overall that guys just forget that I'm female on a subconscious level. So I guess if the guy's straight he couldn't be attracted to me? I can't help my gender and that my gender doesn't quite match my biological sex. I don't know.