So here's my current situation... I have a friend, things seemed to be going well, I just saw him Monday night and he mentioned that he might come back over the next night (last night). Yesterday we were texting each other for a good part of the day, then at some point he stopped answering my texts. I didn't make a big deal out of it, but it's was still at the back of my mind. I was hoping to get a Happy New Year text from him, just something that let me know I was still on his mind, it never came. So I went to sleep hoping that I would have one by the time I woke up, it wasn't there. So I sent him a Happy New Year text, I don't know why, now I'm anticipating a reply that I might never get.

I'm hoping there is a logical reason for him not answering me. I always try to think that way but now matter how much I try to think that it doesn't change the thoughts or feelings that I have that he has finally decided to stop dealing with me. No matter how much I know that he would never just up and stop talking to me out the blue, it doesn't change anything. Yesterday got pretty bad for me and my thought control and I don't know, I guess because of the holiday and the want to feel needed and thought of.

Now, I don't think it has even been an hour since I sent the text but pretty much when I didn't get an answer immediately I just wanted to send him something saying that I get that he's done talking to me and I understand. I want to give him a way out. I usually can fight the urge to do this but right now it makes sense to me. Right now, I really think that he's done so I just want to let him know that I know, and tell him it's ok and that I understand. He's really been one of the most positive people in my life recently. I have pushed him away and confused him but he has been so patient, I don't want to confuse him now. I want to give him a chance to enjoy the holiday, even if I don't . Also give him a chance to get in back in touch with me and show me that he's still there.

I'm also feeling kind of down because I made a pumpkin pie for him on Monday. I was hoping to hear back from him that he liked it, but he hasn't said anything yet. Now I'm thinking that he didn't like it . I even mentioned yet yesterday jokingly in text and he didn't even reply to them. So I'm thinking that's part of the reason that he isn't talking to me now, if that is even the case. It's just frustrating to think that you have someone there that cares and they disappear when you really need to hear from them.

Just for clarification, I have not been diagnosed with BPD as of yet and I haven't told him that I have it or what I think might be going on with me, I'm sure he's recognized that something is off though. I am pretty sure that I have BPD however and I intend to find help and get the proper diagnosis eventually.

Sorry this ended up being so long. Thank you to all the took the time to read it and Happy New Year to all of you.