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Originally Posted by Nightlight
It's definitely the most important thing for me. I think the only problem with my current therapist is that I like her too much. Who would have thought that was possible? It's really hard for me to put into words, but I met my therapist during a dreadful time of my life and I liked her instantly. 'Like' isn't really a very good word for it, but I don't think there is a word or combination of words to describe my instant reaction to her. It was like I liked her instantly as much as I could like anyone. It was a bit like I knew her already and so her self-disclosure never really surprised me, because it was like I understood who she was already. It was a bit like she was someone I was always supposed to know. She mattered to me, right from the start. The fact that she's now tied into this boundary filled relationship (and I will lose her) and the fact that she doesn't feel the same way about me, and that on top of that she's the first person that has really seen me (and she still doesn't feel that way about me), makes the relationship into something that is as difficult for me as it is good.
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Connection is everything for a relationship and then boundaries get in the way too. I wonder if we had our t as a friend would the dynamics change and we wouldn't be so connected to them. It really is a strange unique relationship. My t drinks wine and smokes and when she tells me this it doesn't feel right because I had idolised her so much that I just didn't think of her as human but the reality is, they are. This sounds so painful too Nightlight. I can't describe the feelings towards my t either and they change hourly. They drove me mad at first. Does your t know how you feel about her?
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Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl
Yep, the relationship is the most important aspect for me too. I never ever would have thought that would be the case beforehand - I thought it would be more an intellectual thing that I could 'win' with a therapist I got on well with.
I suppose I had a vague idea before that if I clicked with the T, it would be enjoyable to be in the therapist's company, and lead to general warmth and all the rest, kind of like with teachers and lecturers I have admired and really liked and got on with. So while I always knew I'd have to have good rapport, I was not expecting to actually love my therapist the way I do, and how restorative that love is. I lurked on PC a while before joining and used to read about people loving their Ts and shudder and think 'Ew!' Now I have to eat my words  |
Welcome lurker. I see you have this highly infectious therapy bug we all catch eventually.
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Originally Posted by A Red Panda
I think it is the most useful part of therapy for me. I have trouble with trust and abandonment - and by just going there each week and talking to him, and him not looking frustrated or annoyed or disappointed or all those other things? That's helpful to me. I know it's his job to have a great poker face, but it's still useful. I've already had a lot of practice with him of saying the sorts of things that I am absolutely terrified to say - and I've now told him a few times about being upset with things that involve him... and twice have told him about things I was upset about WHILE I was upset.
Which are all unheard of for me.
So... learning to trust him is probably the best thing he can help do for me.
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This is what I was trying to think of but couldn't find the words to express it. It is the practising things we wouldn't normally say to others and have them not judge us, this is so healing. Sometimes the poker face annoys me, first t would wear it no matter what I said and after a while she became none human to me and more of a robot t but to some it is important they don't react to what we are saying.