Thank you beloiseau! I don't know why but you're response made me cry, more like tears of relief, not sadness. I really do want to tell him but I'm not really sure how. I'm also a little reluctant to because I told my mother and my longest standing friend so far, and didn't really get a supportive response from either one so that made me a little less hopeful. I really do want to tell him though because my relationship with him is really what helped me to see that there was something wrong with me possibly more serious than depression. I saw how I was doing those things when I had no reason to and I didn't know why and I couldn't stop myself I saw there was really a problem.

He hasn't responded emotionally to any of my episodes so far, and I think that's one of the things that really, really helped me see. I've done things that I was sure he would give up talking to me over but, he was so patient with me and made no accusations or anything, he just made sure he was still there. That made me the happiest that I've been in a long, long time. It didn't stop the doubts though, everyday just about I still wonder why he's still talking to me and when will I mess everything up. Being with him calms me on a level I've never felt before, he has the most amazing energy. Unfortunately on Monday though I couldn't even enjoy his company as well as I wanted, I kept having thoughts of mistakes that I've made and felt I wasn't able to connect with him how I really wanted but it was a still a special moment for me to be spending time with him.

I think that's why I'm having such a hard time now, because seeing him really meant a lot to me and he seemed as though he really wanted to see me again soon. I do trust him ultimately and i just wish that my thoughts and feelings always reflected that but I guess it's hard not to confuse those I love when I'm pretty much always confused.