I am sorry you are suffering so much.

Your letter is beautifully and coherently stated, however. It sounds like you have a deep and deepening understanding of yourself, what you need, and what the reality of your circumstances is. If I were your T, I would be proud of you for such realizations and such honesty. I don't know you, but your letter sounds like you've come pretty far.

It sounds like you are in great pain and you really don't have to do this alone. Yes, there are limits, and yes, you will experience your suffering inside of yourself - but you can share it, like you have in your letter to your T and here to us.

Reading your letter reminds me a little of my own experience of feeling like I need too much from the others, like I am too much. I used to imagine that if I gave way to my needs and desires, I would end up requiring way more than reasonable. It took me a long time to realize that, in fact, I don't normally need as much as I fear I do. It's just that, without going the way, allowing yourself to want and need and ask and check with yourself, you'll never know how much is or isn't enough for you. This can be done in therapy. Now, your experience may well be very different from mine, all I'm saying is that it may be worth your while to face this fear sometime, when you're ready, whether or not you choose to quit therapy for now. You may surprise yourself. Or you may understand your child parts, your adult self may learn how not to scream at those child parts for needing what seems like too much. I kind of see how a child might really, really need a whole lot of love especially when the parent is screaming at him or her for just wanting without limits, as children do.

If you gain this understanding, this acceptance of yourself, then the prize may be worth it, because even if the prize at the end of your yellow brick road is yourself, you don't have to be alone when you get there.