Quote:
Originally Posted by peaches100
Just a little more. . .When I think about learning to be my own good parent, I feel so incapable. I've pushed away painful feelings and experiences all my life. And when I start getting in touch with those parts of me that hold that pain, it is even "too much" for me to handle. I'm totally serious. I fear the pain I have inside, and when I do feel it, it's often so strong that it feels overwhelming to me just to endure it. Then afterwards, I feel completely exhaused both physically and mentally - as though just letting myself feel the emotions has completely done me in. I'm talking about completely drained, too tired to do anything but sleep, and even my whole body hurting with what feels like sore muscles. This is what I go through whenever I alllow those child parts of myself to show up and I get in touch with that old pain of the past.
How will I ever learn to tolerate my own pain and be my own good parent when I can't tolerate the pain and problems any better than my own mom did? She ignored it and pretended it wasn't there - and I find myself wanting to do the same thing. Because I feel that i genuinely cannot handle it.
When I think about having to handle all of that alone, I'm scared to death. i just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and never come out because it's the only way I feel safe.  |
Peaches... I totally understand this... I went through times when it almost felt like I was reliving some of the past... I would spend Saturdays in bed crying...grieving...feeling all of that stored up pain... I've contacted my T during that time via email...and he would remind me that I'm not in the past...that those things we from the past and not what is going on now... it was helpful... for me it was going through all of that ...to one grieve the past and what I missed that I needed and the other reason is that it shows you that its made worst by the fear of it... that fear gives the pain and past more power than it really has....
One thing that my T said to me that was helpful was to set time aside... to journal about the past and then to let myself feel those feelings and then to have something I had to do to get me out of that place.... For me... I used to do it on Saturday morning... sometimes I spent all day in bed and then was still in a funk on Sunday but would always force myself to go to work.... I never allowed myself to miss work...
My H had to pick up a lot of my slack with household work and meals and kids... in hind sight I might have told him what I was going through but I just said I'm in a bad place...
that is just how it worked for me... it was my path..you will need to find your own path...