the first time i cut myself I used a thing that was not all that sharp and so I guess at that point it was a way to release pain inside. But all this changed after I went out with a chap who was big in to cutting and well I learn of a different tool.

Well then an awful thing happened to me and I started to be more serious in my cutting than I was when I first started. What happened caused emotional pain no really physical pain. So I had all these tears inside and I felt it was stupid I have no wound, no pain I should not be sad. So one part of it was to give me a wound or pain to cry about. Second it made me happy, even for a little while and I was in so much pain the happiness I rejoiced in. Third when I did it it was supposed to keep me away from people both as a sort of warped punishment for what happend (I know it was not my fault really) and as a sort of protection.

When I got through the cutting I was not ashamed but viewed the scars, and still do, as battle scars, signs of a painful journey. BUT I would prefer not to have these scars and not to have cut, however they are part of me. The ones that are the most obvious (as they are crucifixes one, I wld like patterns when in those mmods) are on my shoulders and as people who dont do such things dont understand I cannot wear anything sleeveless as I just get kind condemnation.

It is something I have done, something I at times still resist, but I do understand why I did it and those scars are a part of me now.

"I will not fear. Fear is the Mind-killer. Fear is the little death that causes total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. Where it has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain"