Shezbut u are not alone in this. I to feel extremely guilty for m'ing.

Why are we led to believe that it's wrong. Taking any kind of pleasure from sex is wrong. Pleasure alone is wrong. Is it the past abuse that leads us to be this way. IDK. I do know that these things are NOT wrong. M'ing is NOT wrong, sex is NOT wrong, pleasure is NOT wrong. I just wish some would would convince my brain of that. (and yours to)

From the position as someone who has experience with early childhood psychology let me say that u were not wrong for what ever part you may have had as a participant in sexual things. A child for one doesn't naturally know how to give a BJ. Just think about that. How many 4-6 year olds know how to do that or even know what that is. So you could not have done this because you wanted to. It was likely a way of reenacting past abuse or something you have seen done in a movie or in person.

As for your uncle. Children don't entice mature adults to do those kind of things. The adult has enough knowledge to know it is not right and they don't allow that to happen. But it did happen. It was not from encouragement on your part. Believe it or not your body responds as a child (or even as an adult at times) to stimulation.

You don't have a choice not to react to stimulation. Just like a gag reflex, it is there weather you want it to be or not. It engages upon touch regardless of how bad u want it not to. Think of a strep test, we would all like to forgo the gag reflex but we can't. Pleasure of that nature is a reflex we can't control as a child, and often as an adult. Though we can dissociate and not be aware of it or we can aid in turning our brains off in order to avoid that. It is not possible to completely avoid pleasure even in poor circumstances or to avoid the reflex part of that, O's.

You are not alone in seeing the bad in the world either. I do the same thing. I look into a crowd and see sometimes, abusers, the abused, the potential for abuse, attackers, and the hurt individuals. The possibilities are endless. This is a sick world. But it is a world in which we help create and one in which we share. All we can do is share the good we do know, and the love we do have with others. The world is not such a bad place and it is for us to help others see that it is not all terrible.

Hun I am so sorry this has happened to you. If You need anything or anyone to talk to you please don't hesitate to PM me. I to am struggling with new found knowledge of CSA and what is real and what is not.

gentle ***hugs*** if it's ok