I think she kind of gets it (but not completely). I don't idolise her. She's sometimes thought that I do put her on a pedestal, but that's not how I see it at all. I think that the way I feel would just be less intense in real life, therapy amplifies all sorts of things that would barely register in real life. Like the times when she's forgotten me (when I really, really needed help a couple of times), in the therapeutic relationship on top of the way I feel about her—ouch! It was always a tough way to find out that she doesn't hold me in the same regard. Even things like before the Christmas break and I was talking about how hard it is for me, and she volunteered "I don't want to be in touch with you over the Christmas break"—Ouch. In that way, I needed perfection from her, but it's not because I put her on a pedestal and won't accept her as being anything less than perfect. I've always seen her as just as human as the rest of as. I've always seen her flaws. I like her as much as I like her in spite of all of her flaws, in spite of all of our differences, in spite of all of the things she's done that have hurt me. I like her just for being her, not for being perfect.

I appreciate that you brought up this topic. It’s an interesting one and I think it’s important. It’s gotten to a stage where I’m not quite sure if this relationship will be the one thing that can save me (nobody else could have gotten through to me initially and I will be forever grateful and thankful for my therapist), but I’m wondering now if it was a mistake to continue with someone I like SO much. With other therapists, I came to really appreciate them as my therapists. I am thankful for what they did for me in therapy. Ending with anyone like that is quite heart-breaking for me, so few people know me like they know me. I miss the relationships and the connections when they are not there and a part of me would like to check in with them once or twice now and then. It’s not going to be like that with my current therapist. I don’t want to hold onto her (forever) because I want her continued therapeutic support. She’s just…not supposed to disappear from my life. It is something that is and always has been beyond the therapeutic relationship that is contained in that room. The therapeutic relationship is really special and she will always be the person who gave me that, but maybe I shouldn’t have continued with someone I instantly liked so very much. Before her, I’d never had that sort of connection with any person ever. I think most people are lucky to have that with one or two people in a lifetime, if they are lucky.