So yeh, i've been drinking again.

it's been several months.
the last time properly was for one night in july (and i was hypomanic at the time and got picked up by the police at 2am).
besides that it was just half a glass of wine and a pint at graduation in november - a social thing that i was actually able to control - and since i went back to university and actually got my degree i thought i'd deserved a mini celebratory drink.

before july it was way over a year.
- i used to get though over half a litre of neat vodka a day for many months about 4 years ago and ended up losing my job.

i got a job after uni finished and i moved cities but my contract has now ended and i have nothing lined up and just panicking i guess.

it's easier to deal with when everything is dulled down.
i don't like drinking anymore. the disorientated feeling just makes me panic. but i like the numbness. i always seem to take it too far though and end up half hysterical.

i'm sober tonight (for the first time in 2 weeks) and it's half 2 in the morning. i can't sleep at all and feel like i'm only just hanging in.
i don't know how to do this again. i barely had the strength the first time.