Turtles wear a shell for good reason!

My first therapist was not a good fit for me. As she was terminating me she mentioned that none of her other clients hid behind a cushion and she didn't understand it. I have always held a cushion in my lap. I told her that I was not the only one. She said that may be true but she was not the therapist for that. In our two years together I was never able to connect with her. That was a very painful termination.

My current therapist does not have cushions so I began to use my coat. My coat was always in my lap even in the middle of summer. I remember one very vulnerable session where I had stretched the coat from my knees to above my chin without realizing it. I was as covered as I possibly could be. She understood. Her only comment on my various degrees of hiding each session was that she hoped one day I would not need to. Once I tried to go to therapy wearing open sandals, and even that felt too exposed. I had to turn around and go home to change my shoes.

After a few years of working on trust and connection I think I don't need to hide any more. I found a level of comfort and can now leave my coat at home. This didn't happen by itself - I feel this comfort in other areas of my therapy too. I don't 'pre-digest' my topics to make sure it is all safe to talk about any more either. I can now tell her when she has upset me too. Many things have changed.

I think for me that being exposed and vulnerable all at once was very scary. I needed to be in control of what felt safe to share moment by moment. Somehow being covered physically helped me feel more in control. I'm not sure why.

Turtle