I may not have much of a choice. I'm afraid I wouldn't even be able to talk a guy into that without paying him in some way. Or the only guys who would do anything relatively sober and without payment, they'll probably still make fun of the way I look and probably won't respect my boundaries—as in I still want to stay technically a virgin.

I just worry that I'll get too attached…I mean, I can develop feelings for someone if they're just nice to me (since a guy being nice to me has been rare for most of my life) and paying even a little attention to me.

But if I keep waiting until I'm in a relationship, I'll be waiting my whole life and I feel more and more humiliated being a complete virgin, having never gone past kissing. And sadly, I have more degrees than times I've kissed someone. Not people I've kissed, times I've kissed. All my friends are married or are in long term relationships. And the ten year anniversary of the last time I was kissed is coming up way too soon. I can't handle that. This is the single biggest contributor to my depression and the only one where there's no hope. Even if I have a good date with someone and they want to spend more time with me, they don't! Even with me pushing for it. If he didn't like me, why lie and make me feel like there was finally a shred of hope in my life. Now he won't even look at me. I know he probably thinks I'm a freak (in a bad way), but it's difficult not to bond closely when you finally feel comfortable around a guy. This almost never happens. And the times it does, they're mainly married guys. I was trying so hard not to self-harm because of him, but it was bothering me so much that I did some damage to my arms, left arm in particular. And scars that aren't going to fade in a reasonable time.

And here I thought I was pretty and not too terribly fat. I've even had compliments. What I want to know is why no one likes me enough to even try to get to know me?