Hi, I haven't been here in a while, but I'm back because my situation is getting too bad. I'm depressed and I don't think I will be able to snap out of it even for a few hours this time. I'm at the point where I know I won't get better, and I just don't want t live this way anymore. I can't even do anything to help myself because I don't deserve help. There is no one I can confide in because no one I know likes me. In the past I got into a lot of trouble. I was mean and not thee f those I should have been thee for. So, now, even though I try to watch what I say and act how I'm supposed to act, it does no good. People still don't want anything to do with me. I don't blame them because I don't even like myself. So, there is no hope for me. I don't want to live anymore because it's too hard to live with all that has happened. I can't get well, so I'm basically deteriorating. I don't feel in control of my life, and I don't like the fact that others get to do what they want to me just because I've made mistakes that don't even concern them, and because they know thee is nothing I can do, but take it. I'd rather die than live this way even though I know death will be painful. I don't know if it's best for me to just stay alive as long as I can for my family, if it's better to go away where they don't have to see me like I am or me see what a burden I am on them. I don't know whether to commit myself or not. If I did that, then my family would at least know I'm alive. It just seems like I only have three options, and that's end it all, commit myself, or live in misery while also making those I love miserable. What I really want to happen is to just die from another source. I'm not very healthy, so I keep thinking that maybe my time will come naturally, soon. But, then again I get sick, and hurt all the time and I still keep living. Makes me think I'll have to live a long time. I don't know what to do. I know I'm not strong enough to keep going through life like this. Does anyone have advice? I'm not on meds and don't see a therapist, and I won't be able to in the near future.