I am sorry that you are going through this. I can relate to the things you are feeling. Please be safe. You will make it through this! I know that me telling you this won't make you feel immediently better. Sadly there is no panacea for these types of things. But there are things that can help you get better. Others here have given great advice. My advice is to talk to someone. Please don't hold what are feeling inside.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I mean that. I understand how important talking to someone who wants to help is.