Thank you for your response.

Well, I've had a hard life, and I don't want people to think that I'm selfish when I say that. I understand that other people has went through worse. I'm just talking about my own personal experience regardless of anyone else.

My mom and dad got divorced when I was a young age. Spent most of my childhood being raised by my mother and grandmother. My dad had got into drugs and alcohol and for the most part of my childhood I had to visit him either at his dads, rehab or prison. The good part though is I really got close to him the last few years when he was drug free. He died though in 2011, and was the first unexpected death I experienced. He went to sleep to never wake up again. Even the autopsy showed no drug use, just a worn out body at the age of 45.

I got married in 2008, and my relationship with her before then was great. I did everything for her. I pleased her more than I was pleased both love and sexually. When we got married though, she seemed to change. I don't know why, and I asked her many times but she really didn't have an answer. Our sex life went from great in dating to sucky in marriage. I felt like after a long period of time that she was just using me. I felt as though no matter what I did, I couldn't please her. So in 2012, I snapped. I left her. 9 months before this though, we had got 2 foster children. Which I told her before even considering it that I didn't want children. I can't have children physically anyway per the doctor. She can't have children because of her size.

But finally I gave in and we had got a brother and sister of 10 and 6 years old. Bad mistake. I mean I love the kids, don't get me wrong. But raising kids? That is not me. But anyways in 2012, I snapped and left her because I was tired. I travelled for 2 months, and then came back and got the divorce finalized. Well, after this, I started hurting and had to get 2 surgeries back to back from Sept-Oct. 2nd surgery was worse than the first pain wise. I had a job still, and when I returned to work, I didn't do so good and I was so emotionally tore up from everything in the past years that I told my job I was sick again, and they said ok.

Then I told my pastor that I wanted to kill myself, but not really. I just wanted attention. Well I got it alright. He told me to go through the hospital in which I ended up staying 8 hours there in a locked room, and then transported to a crisis unit for 3 days. Hell on earth. I never want to go back there ever. They don't care about you at all. They lie to you.

I got out, and I ended up getting a new job. Things were good from then on out to 2013.

In Jan 2013, I snapped again. But this time I decided to see my doctor. He had told me I had bipolar disorder. He put me on some meds but they didn't really help any. Later on, I was undiagnosed from bipolar by the same doctor because in Feb 2013, I started having double vision, and while driving one day I almost wrecked so I went back to the doctor.

I ended up having to see a neurologist. After MRIs and test, he ruled that I had multiple sclerosis. So I started therapy shots which were more of a pain than the symptoms. And finally after 3 months of it, my family doctor took me off of it. This is when I decided to see another neurologist. When this took place, they did more MRIs, spinal tap, blood work etc...Till finally after another few months, they ruled I didn't have MS. So they told me to go to another doctor to find out whats wrong.

Well I did - and this doctor is in my town and not far off thank God. I just got to him in the last 3 weeks. Prior to him, I was prescribed the Zoloft and Pamelor for Depression and Sleep. And then when I went to this new doctor, he was going to wean me off of Zoloft, and put me on Celexa and Xanax. It had been a while since I taken Pamelor for sleep because it didn't work IMO.

He prescribed the meds on the Friday before Christmas. I had the OD the Saturday before Christmas. I'm not sure still why I took the pills other than maybe either I wanted to stop hurting, I wanted to kill myself or possibly both.

For the last few days, I've had a headache everyday, plus my body twitches are getting worse - which no one seems to understand why they are happening. These twitches have been happening ever since I had one MRI done with contrast.

My emotions are really bad and depressing. I feel hopeless because every where I've turned for all my life it seems has always ended bad. I just don't understand why this is happening to me. I search for answers, but after 20 years plus - I haven't found them yet.

Also, I wanted to say that I had those blood tests done last Friday, so they were done almost a week after the OD. Don't know if anything will show up. I just want answers of why am I hurting physically and emotionally?

For most of my life, I've been bullied and looked down upon. I'm not a fighter by no means. I just let anger build up inside of me. I don't like to hurt people - I'm just not that type of person. I tend to stay alone now since my divorce. I don't really have a lot of friends, and I get mad at that point because I have friends from church but when I was sick all last year I hardly had anyone visit me.

i haven't been able to work since Jan 2013. I was going to get a job few weeks ago or so, but my health is just so bad right now I can't handle it.

I'm just at a place where I feel numb and angry, and I really don't know what to do anymore.