I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I know how painful it is, I miss my grandmother terribly. We were so close and often I felt she was the only one who wouldn't judge me and would always be there. She passed away when I was 13 and I'm 30 now but don't miss her any less! She was a real star.
I think it would be good for you to get a little support through this difficult time. I think it's wonderful that you're doing so well but I can see what you're saying. I guess that was your only, and automatic way of escaping and how you coped then, you need a way of getting an escape now that's healthy.
I hope this new year brings much less stress for you and much more happiness