I'm sorry you are in so much pain veeisnothing. I believe everyone deserves help if the want it. The past is in the past and you need to make peace with it, even if everyone else can't. We all pay for our mistakes some just more than others. You do have a choice to not let your past define you. It will take time to get back your self respect and that of others but it is a worthy goal. I assume when you say you are not on meds and are not seeing a therapist that it has to do with finances. I hope you can find a county facility that can help you. Sounds like counseling would helpl. Best wishes.