Hi all!

This is my first time using a forum so I apologize if I put this up the wrong way.

I've been working through a lot of my issues myself over the years and I've now hit the brick wall and can't get through the last of them and need some advice on how to complete everything...

A lot of the issue stems from when I was younger - my parents were normal people, but my dad was mentally abusive and because of his behavior, my mom wasn't giving me everything I needed growing up to become a well adjusted secure adult or to have the proper coping mechanisms. I was forced to handle responsibilities like an adult at a very early age and because of that I never really had a childhood. Now that I've gotten married, had my son, my parents have finished their very nasty divorce I'm left dealing with a lot of issues that I can't clean up and they are affecting everything that is good with my life and I'm not sure how long my sanity or marriage can handle it.

I'm still very angry over my childhood/lack there of and feel wronged by it constantly. I don't know how to let it go and move on(I'm not able to move on about anything really). Anytime I bring it up with my mother (because I never see my father since the divorce) she remembers things differently and responds as though I made things worse in my head. But, she doesn't have the best memory, especially of the past because the environment in the house growing up was very very stressful. I am caught with an inability to make decisions regarding how to raise my son (daycare and work so we can meet goals we have with buying a house, moving, etc; or to continue staying home with him so that he is attached to me) I somehow ended up that I am not attached to my mother because she went back to work at 6 weeks, and I was taken to my grandmother for 3 years while she worked (and my grandmother was a typical cold woman who raised her kids in the 50's and 60's - not very affectionate). I am afraid if I go back to work, which I'm not sure would be best for me mentally right now, that he will not be attached to me - I want to teach him things and make sure he is raised properly with the values and skills I think are important.

I don't want to be the same parents that I had - I was told things as a child that no-one should hear, especially from your parents. My mother turned to her faith in when we were growing up and one time I got upset and counted the number of religious pictures in the house vs the number of pictures of us kids and the religious pictures won. I lost all ability to have faith after that and now I am left worried about how I get it back at all in order to teach my son something about it.

I feel like this things are turning me cold and I feel as though I don't feel love for anyone or feel loved in return. I don't feel love for my mom or brothers and sisters because I feel betrayed - like I can't believe that they actually love me because all they do is sit around and talk bad about everyone - and I don't want to be a part of that. And I can't trust them because they have betrayed my trust to many times before. So when I have a problem and need to talk it out, I can't go to them.

And because I have the problems associated with these feelings weighing on my chest, I loose my temper at the drop of a hat. My grandfather had a legendary temper and used to beat his kids and apparently the way I snap is the same way he did.

I am done being angry and loosing my temper at my husband, I don't want my son to be like this and I want to let it all go and continue with my life, happy and working towards our goals as a family. My husband is starting to get sick of keeping his patience with me. I know I need some kind of therapy or somewhere to talk out my issues from my childhood, but even with insurance I can't afford the co-pay. I need a way to work through to coping mechanisms because I don't feel like I have enough mental strength to stop myself. It seems like nothing makes me happy anymore and a shift in the wind can cause my temper to flare, and then all I feel is guilt about being angry and being dissatisfied because I have no reason to be this way.

Does anyone know of a way to build my mental strength up to handle this fight I have with myself and to stop the cycle and flare-ups/or any books they can lend me that would help? Does anyone have any coping mechanisms that work or a way to teach me how to release it all? I feel like I need to learn things from the beginning and catch up to adulthood from what I've not learned as a child - being a cynical faithless-adult is not getting me anywhere. I desperately need help because I'm afraid my life is going to fall apart and I'm going to be alone and loose everything if I can't fix it. I hate what I'm doing to my family by being this way.

I've considered getting free mental health from the health department through their healthy family program since my son is under 3, but they require that you sign this form that lets them check with the therapist they give you on how you are progressing in therapy and that makes me really nervous. And I'm not sure they health department in our town has the best therapists available for these issues I'm trying to work through or if these issues I'm dealing with are allowed by the program.

I've gotten as far as I have (and I used to be much worse!) by changing my diet to un-processed, mostly organic natural food, cut back on dairy and working on sugar, and discovering my thyroid was funky after my son was born (currently on Armour Thyroid). I'm trying to create a habit of a daily 10-15 minute walk with my son and keeping my energy up with out excessive caffeine (down to 2-3 cups/day). Anything anyone can do to help or point me in the right direction would be seriously appreciated.