That is very tough and I'm sorry about you losing your number one fan, your Mom. That plus the other things would make most people feel alone. That is a really challenging place to be. You are probably mourning and that is just tough.

For me I have found that sometimes I have wanted to move forward at a pace so as to really feel like something is getting better. I learned for myself that holding on is the best I could do at the time. It didn't feel like much at the time but in fact it was my progress. Also while you have been through some really tough things it can be depressions lie that we are alone as we can not see the opportunities around us at that time or they don't satisfy us in ways we need.

Also like Gayle said above I think your meds are not working in ways that they can be. I know that feeling of feeling incredible lonely. You have courage that a lot don't have by reaching out. I encourage you to continue to do that. You are not alone though I can definitely see how it feels like such. Continuing to post here as it along with a med adjustment may make you feel more connected to others.