Too continue....

I honestly have no idea how many times it happened, but I know it did happen again... this is the only time I can remember clearly, the other times are just glimpses and flashes that don't make a lot of sense...

When I turned 12, he committed suicide... and I still don't know how i feel about that... I do feel sorry for him, life must not have been easy, but I also have this extreme rage towards him for what he did...

High school came and i was lost in the world. I left all my friends, they just didn't understand, and I made new friends... with people who would understand me... and i became one of the 'weirdo´s' in school... I rebelled against everything... and finally, I met a guy who turned my world upside down. He was a lot older, early twenties, and I was 16... but I was madly in love... As I spent more time with him, I came to realise some strange things were going on... One day he asked me if I wanted to join their s*tanist group... is their a better way to rebel? So I went to what they call the induction...

I arrived at his house on a saturday afternoon... and I was drugged. For long I did not want to face the reality of that night and pushed it far back in my mind... I was torured, ridiculed and r*ped by thirteen men... in ways that is much more than just r*ped... It was the longest night of my life... early the next morning it ended... I thought... The guy I was dating was the high priest of the group... and he took me aside after that....

Threats and fear kept me from ever opening my mouth... I just tried to make a go of life again... they did not leave me alone... One of the men broke into my house to find me... and he did find me.... Every year they send me a special 'anniversary' gift... the worst was when they sent me some of the clothes I was wearing that night....

I started using drugs more often, to numb it all... Life just got so out of hand...

Last year, I had a brush with the law... or the law brushed me... I was arrested by two officers, but they didn't take me to any station.... Too late I noticed another officer sitting in the car that looked familiar...

This was IMO the event that brought it all back... I had done a good job of hiding my past, not just what happened to me, but also the things that I did which I am very ashamed of... But this was the catalist to my insanity...