I realize that I'm obsessed with the idea of sex/intimacy and I have been since I was a teen. Its been weighing on me more and more for years. And I feel like kicking myself for not going along with the opportunities to have sex that I had as an undergrad. I just thought that I'd be in a relationship someday and I didn't want to have sex with some random person that I wasn't attracted to or really interested in. So it seemed like the right choice at the time, but now I'm not so sure.

And couple the obsession with anxiety having to do with touch and discomfort with sex becoming "real" I'm not sure I can explain that. I obsess about it and think about it all the time (so it's a fantasy and not real) but anything that shows that it's a real thing (like say seeing a condom with I'm not expecting it) can send me into a catatonic state and I can just freeze and lose time. So does that mean I'm only obsessed with the fantasy and I'm not actually interested in actually having sex? And how do you satisfy a fantasy? I find porn repetitive and boring.