Thanx Quarter, thanx Nobody.

It's a bit like someone good at one sport and that becomes their lives and they have an injury and someone just tells them cheerfully But you have a nice garden, I like the scarfs you knit.

Sure... the garden is nice, the scarfs too, but the deepest meaning in that person's life is lost. Just as well as the person who loved knitting most of all feels bad if she got bad tremors and cannot do it anymore. It's not really about what it is, it is about what is closest to our hearts.

I worked through the hard times trying not to give up writing which is ultra important to me, but everything I try is fail these days and I probably should give up. There is something missing in my head that was there before.

I can't blame depression because I'm on a good med that made all the difference. It doesn't dumb me down, I think that started when I started using benzos. I always thought it's nice to be calm... I can always quit later, being calm is more important than being someone and having an identity. In the short run maybe.... Now it's been a long while.

Luckily there isn't an all or nothing here, I could try a smaller dosage. I have no idea how motivated I am though.

I have an online friend who chose calm before everything, he claims he is alright now but you can't have a normal convo with him anymore. I'm scared I'm going to be like that and no one will tell me. I fake so much already, I let other people do my math, have people helping me pay bills and everyone knows that if they say something today that is gone tomorrow, if I don't pretend to remember when they mention it again.

If you try to pressure my friend he just finds an excuse to be "busy", like if I mention someone from a few years back (he can't remember anyone almost) or if I ask him something he cannot figure out. I hate that I use similar methods to get away when I can't think. It really means I'm not where people think I am.