I haven't logged in for a while, but I really could use someone...anyone...to just say to me that they understand what I'm going through and that they care that it's so rough for me.
I woke up today with a small dime sized burn on my right arm near my elbow. I don't remember how I got it. I have an alter who likes to cook and eat just about anything. She comes out a lot lately, but she only comes out when I'm asleep. I mostly know about her from my daughter who lives with me, but lately my daughter has been at her boyfriend's a lot and I'm alone.
I don't usually see evidence of what I've done while being an alter (except for food being missing), but lately there's been a lot of food gone and burnt stuff on the stove. Recently I went to use the oven and it was smoking...I guess my alter had decided to cook a piece of chicken by just putting it in the oven without even a pan underneath it, so there was a lot of grease on the bottom of the oven. Now I have this burn...
I had another appointment with my doctor today and I just feel so alone. For the last year since I've known for sure I have DID (and not just sleepwalking), my doctor and my T have just been acting like what I'm doing as an alter isn't so bad. I don't know if they just don't believe me or if they just don't care.
I'm scared and I feel so alone. I just wish someone would give me a hug and tell me they understand what I'm going through and feeling.
My daughter has told me that my alter even eats and drinks strange things. I guess I have even drank Windex calling it a blue slushie. The fact is, I could possibly hurt myself or hurt someone else as my alter. If I make a fire and can't put it out, that is really dangerous. I live in an apartment building and my neighbor across from me is on oxygen...not good for a fire.
It's really hard because I know my alter could do something dangerous without meaning to and I feel like my doctor and T just don't care...which I feel is very negligent.
It's been hard to sleep lately because I know I will probably become my alter. It's also hard to sleep because I feel like no one truly cares. It's hard to sleep knowing I might never wake up if I accidentally kill myself or burn down the whole building.
I could really use a hug!!