I never used to let anyone see how I struggled and in therapy all I could say to any slightly difficult question was "I don't know". At the time it made me feel like I sounded so stupid. I didn't really understand why I couldn't answer simple questions and often I'd have all the answers spinning around in my head the second I walked out the door. The more my therapist pushed me (or even the more she gently guided me forwards), the more blank I would feel. It was like there was no answer while I was there. Though sometimes I realised if we just kept moving on with something else the answer would come to me and I'd manage to come back to the topic and then talk about it a little. I later realised (as I got better at talking) that I couldn't answer anything that made me feel even slightly emotional. It was such a risk for me that I'd just shut down completely. I was able to come back and answer those questions sometimes because somewhere in the background I’d distanced myself and my emotions enough from the questions that I could then answer without feeling emotional. Suddenly I would not feel blank and it was as if the answer was magically there and I could say it. It was so natural for me to project happiness. For the first time I let someone see the real me...and it wasn't easy at all!

Whatever the fear is that stops you from talking, I think it's the sort of thing that tends to improve a lot as you continue with therapy. After a long time of struggling along, I'd write some of the most difficult things down and hand over my writing during my sessions and that helped a lot. Gradually I just learned to talk. I'm seeing a second therapist at the moment and she seems perhaps slightly surprised about how honest and open I am about my feelings. I think it's because long term therapy isn't so common here as it's so expensive, and so someone in the public system (like this therapist is) is used to seeing people short term. That seems to suggest that it's quite common for people to struggle to open up in therapy.