I do get my hair cut and dyed a special way on a fairly regular basis (I probably need a trim and a new dye job soon) and that got my confidence level up to where it is today. You should have talked to me before that…when everyone would laugh at my hair and call me ugly. I mean, even I think I look attractive now, but it doesn't change the fact that a guy needs to be drunk to see it. I don't know why…I really don't. Unless of course it's because I'm not a size 0, which would be the only point to joining a gym. Well and maybe getting ripped arms which I can't anyway because I'm not on testosterone. In fact, I'm on birth control, so isn't that like a low dose of estrogen/progesterone? If I wasn't taking medication to change my naturally occurring hormones against my will I probably would be just fine even without testosterone...

So besides unrealistic goals, I've never exercised without becoming weak, faint, exhausted, and/or in pain afterwards. So the thought of exercising causes me great anxiety. The thought of going alone to a gym causes greater anxiety (I've asked others if I could join them but they refuse and I would just slow everybody down). I've thought of getting a personal trainer through a gym, but my heart really isn't going to be in it when I'm told that I can't reach my goals physically.

And even if it was all possible, would I feel better at the end of the day? Maybe. But guys would be even less attracted to me since I would be even more masculine than I already am…

I honestly don't know why I can't stop liking guys. I'll never be effeminate enough for straight guys. And I'll never have the right body parts for bi and gay guys. I really need to stop taking the medication that lowers my DHEA which is my body naturally producing male hormones and at some point (before taking medication) I was able to build some muscle mass. I just want to go back to how I was before the doctors started f—ing with my hormones. Now I've been made into a gender that I'm not. But if I go back to that, guys will never be attracted to me so I have to somehow become less attracted to men. I'm never going to be happy either way. Either I'm the wrong gender or I'm more attracted to the wrong gender who can't ever possibly like me.

With most of the rest of you guys…you're all real girls so of course guys are attracted to you...