so again I woke up with my head spinning with bunches of crap. things from the past, things from now ,and T.

things just seem so crazy.im sorry ,I know I have talked about this over and over again but it is in my head and it is making me crazy and I just cant seem to figure out a way to talk about it with my therapist.

I feel like I have two world running in my head. I don't even know how to describe what it is like but I want to try.

one session my T and I were talking about how when I was younger the mother had brought me to her place for T. I figured it was because of how I was doing in school. how I did not talk or respond to teachers .I also did not do work or anything. anyway, she asked me how old I was and I thought around 3rd grade .she was always asking me how old. this made me decide to look up some of the report cards I know the mother had kept in the chest of hers . it turns out the mother had brought me to T when I was in second grade . the report card was horrific . it talked about how I don't listen or pay attention. i talk to the other students and so on. it completely freaked me out report card after report card talked about how my behavior was horrific. this is not how I remember it at all. when thinking about it or talking about it the memories I have is of refusing to talk to anyone ,hating the other kids. walking around the yard by myself. very different from what was written. but reading these I can see it in my head but I don't feel it .I feel more like how I remember it. it is like I have two realities in my head.in one I feel like a complete liar in the other I feel like others have been lying . im so confused.

this in turned made me want to start working on a time line of school and parts of my life .very basic stuff. stuff that I have proof of because of paperwork or entries in my journals I kept. for the most part my past and now all seem to be jumbled in one big story. no past no now and no time or ages.it is like something that went on when I was 5 still seems to be as if it is still going on now ,or yesterday.my T says im an adult now I don't need to be afraid of certain things .i don't feel that way.

so working on this time line has somewhat put this into perspective for me. at the same time it has brought up a lot of stuff for me . not new memories but bringing to the front the memories that I have .or even the way I have dealt with these memories, like SI or something. anyway I think doing this brought on this obsession with burning my finger tips . I did talk a small amount about this with my t .she asked if anyone had ever done this to me . this brought about the memory about the mother burning my fingers on the stove. when thinking about it,it was something that was done to me I dealt with it and was sent to my room. it was horrible and it was done. when talking to my T about it this is how I spoke of it .as she talked about it I saw myself as a screaming little brat ,it hurt I was misbehaving. sent to my room in great pain by the mother etc... this does not feel real at all. it feel like I have no idea what is right. but I keep obsessing over all of it. it is really like I have two different worlds running around in my head .I don't know what one to go with. I feel crazy,like I am lying but I don't know to who