I was lying on the couch and put my head in my boyfriends lap. He didn't put his arm around me. This sparked a spiral that absolutely got out of control.

I went to the bedroom and started sobbing. I meditated, I worked in my DBT book, I tried to self sooth, I wrote in my journal, I sobbed some more, and nothing helped. Eventually I went into the living room to get a glass of water, and he saw me and stopped what he was doing to come and hug me for a while.

I had convinced myself that the only reason he was affectionate tonight was because he was drinking (and more affectionate). I had convinced myself that the ONLY way he would EVER be affectionate would be when he was drinking, or waking up. I know in reality he does things all the time, he puts his hand on my leg, he hugs me and kisses me (but not often enough), he lies in bed with his arm around me. It just doesn't feel like enough. It feels like it wont ever be enough.

In bed last night trying to sleep (after taking benadryl and avian, I know...) I couldn't sleep, and kept thinking he was talking about me, about how I was crazy, about how he couldn't stay with me anymore, about how I was different when we began dating. I had decided I was going to leave him today, that I couldn't do this anymore.

Today I woke up and realized how far from reality last night was, but I'm still feeing very unsettled. Instead of lying in bed and feeling clingy (he's still in bed), I woke up, made some tea, and am watching TV. I just feel so mentally sore and exhausted.

Can anyone relate to this and make me feel like I"m not absolutely insane? That thinking I HAD to leave him last night doesn't mean that that was a true thought? Is this normal?