Yeah, I don't actually swear unless I'm really out of it, but those symbols get the feeling across, I'm sure.

I'm really sick of this. I try keeping my efforts to get help secret from her, because I know she'll hassle me if she finds out. But she keeps finding out. Five weeks ago she found out about my pdoc appointment and hassled me to not go. I felt really unsure about my decision to try that(hoping he'd be more likely to recognize what was wrong than a GP might) as it was, and even after calling my pastor and having him tell me to go I still almost gave in to mom's pushing against it. Then it turned out this pdoc was very indifferent to me and did nothing more than my GP would have - actually referring me to her for a prescription, so between him and my mom I came home feeling very stupid, small, hopeless and suicidal. Then, while I had kept it secret for two days that I was in the partial program, she obviously had to find out about that when I went into inpatient on the 1st for being suicidal. And what did she do when she visited me? No relief that I was alive and safe, only comments on her negative opinion of the hospital and remarks on how my age allowed me to choose what she obviously would not if she had any say. And manipulate me to feeling guilty. All the time pushing me to get out of there, then when I went back to partial for three days it was "How long are you going to keep going to THAT place?" and "They're just taking your money, they won't give you any real help. Those psychobabblers are all frauds."

And today... augh. She found out I'm seeing the therapist I saw three years ago, who my mom hates. She started ranting about the center being frauds and my therapist being a disgusting fraud and something else I tuned out. I'm thinking, how can I get out of here without being rude? So I say something like "That's your opinion, but not mine." and turn to leave. And she keeps ranting that they'll just take my money and I'll get huge bills and nothing from it. Money fears - a manipulation tool. So I worried the rest of the day until I saw my therapist about ending up with bills from the insurance company of what they don't want to pay besides the co-pay. But it wasn't true, anyway, the co-pay's all I pay, I'll never be billed. And she tried to get me to doubt it all, "Did you even get anything out of all the time you spent with THOSE people over the last two weeks?" And it's hard for me to assess that stuff, so I feel stupid. But I just keep thinking, so what do YOU suggest I do, mom?!? Push on with medicine, God, and the limited human contact I get in church? Snap out of it enough to get a job, and to start initiating friendships, to pull myself up by the bootstraps? Well guess what, that's not enough now, I can't do it!!! I won't make it without some real help, I may not make it anyway. And you just leave me feeling stuck and wanting to impulsively kill myself, is that what you want?!?!

At least she doesn't know about my raid of the litany of unused prescriptions in the medicine cabinet... if she ever even notices them missing I sure won't let her know I keep them stashed in dark hopes. That's about all she doesn't know now.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...