I am so annoyed. And frustrated. And angry. I just need to vent. Sorry it's long.

So a brief history for those who don't know me/my story. I had severe OCD for a couple years. I was seeing a therapist that I got really really close to during that time, but she was not able to help me reduce my OCD symptoms. Things got so bad that I was sent to residential. I was there for 7 weeks. In that time, my OCD got under control to the point where it was almost non-existent. Halfway through that stay, I was cut off from that therapist that I loved and was told I was not going to see her again due to "violations of boundaries" and "unethical conduct". I was discharged last May an emotional mess (anxious, depressed, and worried about what was gonna happen) and sent to a new therapist. This therapist had a very similar method of therapy to the residential place and I did not take it well. I felt traumatized from my stay at residential and this therapist and I continue to clash. I made it very clear right off the bat that I was scarred from my stay at residential and that my only goal was to go back to my old therapist. New t said that she would support me going back to old t but that I had to get to November and then we could talk about it in more detail. November came and the date was pushed back to the new year. The new year came and that brings us up to now.

So I had a meeting last week with my t and my parents. They said "heck no" to going back to old t. I knew they would. My parents go with whoever the "professional" is. Residential said old t had bad boundaries and so now she's the wicked witch. They forget that for a couple years prior, old t was the "professional" that they loved and listened to. It infuriates me that people make life changing decisions for me without considering my wants. My t urged us all to think about it and not make rash decisions. I wrote my parents a lengthy letter, going into great detail about how much my old t meant to me, how horrible my stay at residential was, and how alone I had felt when I had severe OCD. I am not a very open person about that kind of stuff and so it was a huge chance I took, telling them all of those feelings.

This week came and we had a meeting to make a final decision. My t talked with me alone at the beginning. I thought she was gonna give me some support. No. Instead, she made me play out a ton of scenarios where she pretended to be my parents and say no to going back to my old t. She was like "if your parents say no, are you going to be angry all weekend? Because if you don't act maturely, they are just going to remember that when they think about granting your requests in the future". I was so close to blowing my top and flipping her off. This has nothing to do with my maturity. I was sent to a residential place, halfway across the country, all alone, and one of the most important people in my life was snatched away without any warning. I was thrown back into the real world with no plan for reintegration, I was left to fend entirely for myself. My parents were never there throughout the whole ordeal and so you can guess that I don't have a very good relationship with them as it is. My maturity has nothing to do with this. In my eyes, they weren't there when it was most important. All that BS that my t says about "they are trying to fix things. they didn't make the decisions they should have back then but they are going to now." In my eyes, they didn't make the decisions or play the role they were supposed to then. And I had to suffer because of it. They lost that privilege to make decisions for me. Why should they get to swoop in and take all the power now?

The whole way she approached it was very unprofessional and mean. By the time we got into the family meeting, I was almost over the edge. By the end of the meeting, I was crying uncontrollably. I was curled in a ball in a chair and I was completely shut down. I don't dissociate but I come pretty darn close when I get anxious and upset. My old t would wait for me to calm down and then quietly ask me where I had gone (mentally). She would help coax me out of that numbness and she wouldn't push any farther. This t did not. I sat like that for about twenty minutes. I was glassy eyed from staring at one spot on the floor and I wasn't hearing anything she was saying. Then it was like, "times up! see you next week."

I feel so vulnerable and angry. My old t meant so much to me. My t now gave me false hope that I would go back to her by saying that she supported me going back. My parents go with whoever is the "professional". If my new t really supported me in this, they would too. I am 99% sure that my t went behind my back and told me that she supported it and told my parents that she didn't. I feel like she was playing with my mind when she was going through those scenarios and telling me that I wasn't allowed to blow up if they said no because it would only make things worse in the future. It wasn't her place to say that and it wasn't relevant. I have been feeling pretty good about things for a while and now I realize it was too good to be true. My therapist is a conniving, cruel person and I was naïve enough to buy into her whole "I don't play mind games. I want to help you. I will support you" persona. She gave me false hope for months. Even when she pushed it back, I believed that she had a plan. Now, she seems to take joy in her power to trash my hopes and crush my dreams. I hate her.

Sorry, just need to vent. I want to get away from her. But now I have to wait for summer. Because she got my parents to agree that I could go back to old t in the summer. I want my old t more than anything. I don't know if I can make it to summer though. I don't trust my t and I hate her.