Granite, why do you label your behavior as "horrific"? That's not a word that would come to my mind to describe what you have related. I think you do yourself a great disservice by shaming and labeling yourself as you look back on your past. Breaking that identification with what the mother may have said to you is a powerful step to take. I don't think you leave any room for other feelings to begin to feel real as long as you accept such self-punishing language. What do you think you might feel if you just chose to describe yourself from the past in more neutral terms?