What does it mean? I'm not sure...

I used to get this horrible pain sometimes. Would feel like I was breaking up. Fragmentation. Freud thought it was all about the 'guilty man' (the oedipal conflict) Kohut thought that with narcissistic (and borderline conditions) that are meant to be more 'developmentally primitive (in the sense that they occur earlier) it was all about the 'tragic man' (the security needs going unmet). Fear of fragmentation. Being left with this horrible horrible horrible horrible intense emotion that one is unable to regulate (gradually turn into positive affect).

When I was in hospital I used to say sometimes that I hurt. The conversation would go like this 'where do you hurt'? And I'd look puzzled. It wasn't really a located kind of hurt. Though if pushed I'd locate it in my stomach. They told me after a while that it wasn't pain, it was an emotion. I didn't believe them. Emotions don't feel like that. I didn't see how it was an emotion.
Shame
shame
shame
I guess the passage is saying that the pain is a narcissistic defence against shame. Against having to feel shame.
Shame is thought to be a response to a significant other viewing you with contempt or disgust.
Shame makes one so self conscious and one can feel like one is breaking up.
If you let someone be emotionally close to you...
You give them the power to shame you.
To hurt you.
To result in breaking up...

i guess I try and avoid feeling attached (I start to panic when people feel too close) cause they will only hurt / shame me.

But... Maybe that is what the problem is... Thats what always happened before. T might not be that way... Might not... Isn't supposed to be.

(((((((mouse)))))))