Hypo mania is a monster deep inside that can pop out unexpectedly. It can make you avoid your loved ones in fear.
Depression is a toxic best friend. But you know it's there.
Anxiety is a shadow that emerges with social contact.

I can't escape anything! Whatever I do, I'll pay for it mentally. If I go out, I risk being silly or worrying over nothing. If I stay in, I'll pay for it in loneliness and sadness.

Even when I'm good, I can't go out without facing some reminder of when I was bad. I rapid cycle. So, I'll be out and sober and fine and some one will say something about a hypo manic episode I had. It isn't even like they are always being mean, but I emotionally can't take it.

This is permanent. It won't go away.

I'm trying to accept that I am fortunate enough to have the "mildest" of the bi polar disorders. I'm trying to accept that I'm a good person and that I'm still loved/lovable.

But it's hard. But I'm terrified. But I'm feeling hopeless.

What can I do?