Because I do... I know I need it and yet, I always tell everyone I'm fine when they ask how I feel. And it's a complete and utter stupid lie. A lie to hide whats really going on under the mask I wear in public. The only people I confide in are my friends, my boyfriend and the internet. Because none of these people judge me and they always accept me, no matter what.

I don't see any mental health professional, nor do I see a doctor. Heck, my GP is even fooled by the mask I wear. But, I generally stay away from doctors because I get all nervous at the thought of it. I don't talk to my grandparents about what's going one because. Well, they don't need that sort of stuff on their minds. My grandad has cancer and my grandma has carers coming around to make sure she's taking her medication, because without them, she wouldn't do and she'd ignore her doctors advice to stop drinking all together.

I don't want to ask help from my dad because last time I openly spoke to him, he blamed one of my friends and acted like a total jerk. I won't ask my older brother, because he often says the wrong thing and then I have a mental breakdown later on when he's not around so he doesn't see me the way I am.

I'm scared... I'm terrified... I'm afraid of being labeled. I'm afraid of being treated differently. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid I'll be put on medication that I'd never want to take.

I want to be me... As myself... Just without the monsters in my head telling me awful things, without the urges to hurt myself, without seeing things that shouldn't happen or things that shouldn't exist, without the conflicting thoughts... I don't enjoy things anymore. I miss that happy feeling. But I know I need help... Help I'm afraid to ask for.

I know that if I speak to my tutor, she'll direct me to the help that I need. But I'm afraid to ask and I just don't feel brave enough either.

Am I alone with this problem?