I always think of "playing the victim" as a sort of insincere or manipulative way of trying to make someone else look bad or feel guilty. Sometimes we do this in our own minds to avoid feeling responsible or ashamed of our part in a conflict. Eg in re-telling a story about a conflict we cast ourselves in a better, more innocent light and the other party as more aggressive or cruel. I think it's a pretty common, if unattractive and unhealthy, way of coping with a situation in which we feel we have little power. Or we have such a limited capacity to cope with guilt and shame that we cannot even entertain the possibility that we were even partially responsible.

I don't think of someone who is having a hard time getting it together in their life as "playing the victim." It's not fair to expect someone who has been victimized a lot to suddenly be able to handle conflict assertively and skillfully. We often need a lot of empathy and a sense that we're safe and someone is on our side before we are able to really look at what we could be doing differently.

It can be a big moment in therapy when, having gotten enough validation (however long that takes) we can consider better ways of coping. The really excellent T has a good sense of when a client needs to complain and tell their story and just be validated and when is the right time to nudge them to take control and help empower them to do so.