I'm sorry - that does sound very difficult. A little bit like damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don't, no? I understand fear of abandonment and don't have the answers, I'm afraid. I've tried making myself be open but it didn't work too well. I continue to try. I've been terminated unexpectedly by a T before too and know how hard it is, even just to try again, let alone commit to it 100%. Is there a specific reason(s) why part of you wants to consider going back?