...but once I really felt the hurt, pain, terror, etc. things started changing around inside for me, like the landscape was changing under my feet. It was very scary. Most recently, in the post office and driving down a street I know well, I (or somebody "else" inside of me) wondered "How do I know how to do this?" In my situation I do think the idea of a "traumatized self" makes sense. What might have been a normal ego or something had instead focused on internal cues, trying to manage things (dissociated parts, unwanted feelings, etc.) inside. Now it's starting to focus outward and doesn't quite know what's going on. Other parts of me, had been "taking care of business" in the outside world for much of my life. Or so it seems.

The panicky feelings -- they're certainly awful. And not being in control -- well, that's probably how you got along all these years. Several years ago I complained in therapy that I had murdered my own soul. Well, not so, even when I said it. If it was murdered then I couldn't know because it would be gone. But extensively paralyzed almost to extinction. Just not entirely quite. So now, and in the recent past, it was painful and creepy, like when a foot "goes to sleep" and then wakes up. But getting better, I think.

Hope this isn't too off base.