As tons people on this forum already probably know from my posts, this is a very touchy subject for me. I think it's because when I was young, my mother would abuse me and then yell at me to stop "playing the victim" and if the whole world hates me, maybe there is something wrong with me because how can the whole world be wrong? So this particular phrase is tough for me.

If my T were to tell me that I'm "playing the victim", I would get extremely angry and tell her that I am a ******* victim. It's not a role that I chose to play and saying that I am choosing to play that role is completely undermining the steps I have taken as well as undermining the pain I feel from what has happened to me. Saying someone is "playing the victim" when that person has actually been through some harsh crap is really invalidating and dismissive. Maybe I'm not taking as active a role as I could be in many situations. But to say that I'm playing the victim when I'm really just struggling with psychological barriers and cognitive distortions given to me while I was a child is offensive. Maybe it's really just a game of semantics.

However, there was this guy in one of my groups who never took any fault in anything. His girlfriend screwed him over, his best friend ruined his relationship, his college made it impossible for him to graduate because if you don't complete your undergrad in 10 years, all of your credits expire. And that's a crummy situation and he has every right to cry or complain about that for as long as he needs to. But to say that it is his school's fault that he doesn't have a college degree isn't fair. He doesn't have a college degree because he spent 10 years dropping out when something upset him and registering again when he felt better. He has to take responsibility for that so that if/when he goes back to school (because he still wants to go to school), he won't make the same mistake again. He has to take some responsibility for his failed relationships because if he doesn't, how could he possibly have a healthy relationship in the future? In his situation, saying he is "playing the victim" might be appropriate, however I wouldn't say it because it's still just an offensive thing to say and nonconstructive. I'd rather just tell him to take some ownership so he can grow from the experiences and move on instead of making no progress in his parents' basement. Because it is really ****** that he paid for credits and then they expired. That's not cool. But at the same time, 10 years is way more than enough time to complete the particular degree he was pursuing, the rules about credits expiring were something he knew about from the start, so he can say that the school shouldn't have that policy where credits expire, but he has to take ownership in the fact that he let it come to that. And I did tell him that.

Maybe it would be appropriate to say that I'm "playing the victim" too as I tend to post a lot and then reject all help offered for whatever reason. I'm probably projecting a lot in this post or saying two things at once and trying to separate myself from something actually similar in nature. I don't know. I still feel like that is just an offensive thing to say and an unhelpful thing to say. I believe that everyone in the world is a victim of something and that people have a right to play that role if they need to without being made to feel guilty about it. They also need to rise above the past and not let it control them. But I would much rather my T help me to find the places in my life where I need to take more responsibility and help me reframe my "victim mentality" or whatever mindset I have that is keeping me from going from point A to B rather than to use a blanket term such as "playing the victim".