Hi everyone.

The past few days have been hell for me. Many things changed very suddenly and I have no idea how to cope. I've had depression and anxiety for years now and it has gotten worse over time. This past month has been an all time low for myself, with the past couple of days being the absolute worse I've felt in my life.

Long story short, my boyfriend of nearly 5 yrs decided to end our relationship. I'm crushed. I hurt so badly that I sometimes feel like I'm going to pass out. I have never felt this lost and confused about my life. I love him deeply and I feel like our relationship isn't over. I've spoken to him and he agrees that he still has all the feelings he did for me at the beginning. I don't doubt him. I know he loves me and cares for me. I would say that our relationship has been toxic for a while. I took many things out on my him and never sought treatment for my problems. I tried to turn him into something he wasn't. Now he's had a moment of clarity where he's realized he isn't happy with his life. The breakup isn't so much him not wanting to be with as it is him needing to find himself again. He has told me that by no means is he just dropping me. He will still visit me (and our pets) and we'll go out every now and then to catch up. I just started going to counseling and he wants me to keep him up to date with how I'm doing. Getting together and starting to date again isn't out of the question, it just seems like right now he needs space. He can't reassure me on whether we'll for sure get back together or how long it will take for him to get himself sorted out.

I'm a clingy person. I'm so scared right now that I just want to be with him. I've relied on him for almost 5yrs of my life to help me through problems. Now I can't do that. It's been a few days now and I can't go more than maybe an hour without crying. I can hardly stand to be in our bedroom because everything reminds me of him. I mean, I was just cleaning the kitchen and saw a pretzel kit we were supposed to make and it instantly brought back all of my pain even though this morning had been better than most.

I'm trying to console myself with the fact that he's still here for me a close friend. He cares for me and he loves me. He just needs some space to find himself. We spoke last night about all this because I needed clarification and I felt so much better last night. I fell asleep not happy but more comfortable with these new changes. I slept better last night than I have since all this happened. It just kills me that I woke up again feeling hopeless, scared and hurt. I wish there was something that could just take this away.

I know I'm not the only one dealing with something like this. I would love to hear any help on this subject, tips for coping, or even just kind words. I've had many traumatic events in my life and this is the first time I've felt completely helpless and terrified.