I made the mistake of admitting to a psychiatrist in 2012 that I have had suicidal thoughts at times, even though I also explicitly told her that I would NEVER act of them, had no intention of doing so, and had had these thoughts from time to time for decades. And, for my trouble, I was sent to a psych day program. Which broke me and nearly made me kill myself for real.

So, I've struggled ever since. At first, I thought, give it time, you will come out of this and feel ok about life again. But, I don't. I feel so hopeless that I will ever think of myself as anything but a "mental patient" again. I hate myself, a white-hot burning hatred. I am miserable.

I know they can't help me if they don't know the full situation. And, I really, really like both of them, the psychiatrist in particular is the exact opposite of the first one, who was, in hindsight, a real quack.

Still, it would be such a leap of faith for me to tell them what I really think -- because I am so afraid of being sent back to a psych ward. I have vowed, and meant it, that that will never happen. I would literally die first, and it would have to be by force if they got me there alive.

So, if I do this, I need to make sure they understand that thoughts and actions are NOT the same, I have no intention of acting on it.

Any advice on how I should approach this, come clean, and not end up in cuffs in the back of a police car on my way to the psych ward?