When you say you have to pay $300/hr for someone to talk to you, are you talking about a therapist or a, um, "lady of the evening?" $300/hr is pretty expensive for a therapist but about the right rate for the other thing (not that I know). Do you have a therapist? If not, can you start seeing one? Maybe you can see one twice per week?

BTW, I got the sense that you feel that only someone who's being paid would want to spend time with you. That's ridiculous and sounds like depression talking. You're a wonderful, valuable person who's worthy of friendships and relationships.

I agree with another person who suggested that your meds don't seem to be working as well as they could. You seem pretty depressed. Are you against adjusting them just temporarily until you get out of this hole?

Have you already tried support groups and social groups like NAMI or meetup.com groups? Some of those might be fun. If you're around other people, it may take your mind off of some of the negative things.

Just my 2 cents.