It's been really hard for me the last few years. I'm only 15, but it seems like I've been battling with a war in my head for ages. Looking back on my time in elementary school, middle school, and my first year I've high school I've realized that I've always battled with rejection and loneliness. Throughout the midst of it all I've also realized that I've had no close friends to confide in and the two people in my past who I used to call my best friends are now strangers. When I first thought I had depression I felt as though I didn't really have it like the many other people out there who struggled with it. I would hate myself because I thought that I was just throwing a pity party for myself when there were other people out there who had legitimate causes for depression. Yeah my parents got a divorce and my father was emotionally abusive and yeah I didn't have any close friends, but that didn't mean I was really depressed, right? I went through these periods when one day I would sit at my desk and just cry and all I could think about was killing myself and then the next day I felt like I had just overreacted and was back to my "normal" self. It's been like that for a while, but now going into the new year I realize that I can't change. I go through these horrible times and then eventually I have the courage to bring myself out of it, until eventually I just fall again. I've realized that I can't change because I don't have anyone. After middle school I went to a private school where I didn't know anyone and I thought it was the great fresh start that I needed. I thought that I would have new friends and a boyfriend and I would be happy. At first I had a close friend, but now we've become strangers and I feel like I'm stuck. I used to always go to bed dreaming of this amazing life when a friend or a boyfriend would really care about me and rescue me from torture I keep enduring, but now I'm starting to lose hope to the point where I can't even image this better life because it seems impossible. If I wasn't so scared of killing myself I would have done it already because I desperately want to die. I want to die and I know that it won't really affect anyone because I have no one. I don't know what to do or how to help myself.