Possum: I definitely am happy and grateful for the hugs, thank you!!!

Tremor: no worries about the wrong name. It's an easy mistake to make, especially with stuff going on. Reading stuff online it's always harder to keep track of different people and their personal info. Hugs!!

Distracting during times when it's not good to focus on, like at night is good for me. I'm like you, though. It's too easy to distract/avoid on some things. I see my T weekly and will save the major issues for his sessions. I like to know someone is with me in the room for really tough things like this. It makes me feel safer, and he is great at giving suggestions on what to do in the moment to help. I feel more like part of a team, than alone.

I'm really struggling to understand why this is all coming out now, when I've started feeling safer and healing. The only thing I can think is that my mind is finally feeling safe enough to bring up the issue of me being like him. Or maybe not like him, but being bad. I think the worst part of it, is that he keeps telling me I want this. I want him here, I want to relive it all, I wanted (back then) to have all those things happen. I don't logically believe it, but parts of me are very certain that if they had really not wanted to go through with any of it, it wouldn't have happened.

There was a time when I was very small that he manipulated me into "choosing" to go through with the abuse. I wonder if that is where the issue is coming from. I keep reminding myself that I probably chose that so that I wouldn't be hurt as bad, and that had I known everything it entailed i woulnd't ahve agreed, and that I was a very small little girl. But that could be the issue.

Wow, I'm sorry this got so deep, I didn't mean to put in any details, and i hope I haven't triggered anyone....this will definitely be brought up in session this week.

Thanks,
IJ