I joined this site yesterday, and posted in the depression forum "At the breaking point". I started to get excited because I felt like I had people to share my emotions with and I could start trying to recover. Today however it's been a roller coaster.

It was a normal day I watched tv, read a book, did some homework and then I decided to text this depression support number. When I did I was talking to this person and he was asking me why I felt the way I did (why I felt depressed and had suicidal thoughts) and something in my head just switched and I felt like I had this moment of clarity.

I thought to myself "Why am I depressed?" and in my head I couldn't really come up with a valid reason. I blew off the person that I was texting because I thought I'm fine. I thought there are people who I've seen online who have these legitimate mental disorders and me, well I was just being moody. I thought everything was great and I could move on because I "fixed" myself, but it only took an hour for things to go downhill.

I started thinking about how everything in my life was great and all I needed were some new friends and a boyfriend to talk to whenever I felt sad and everything would be okay. But then I started freaking out because I thought well what if that never happens and what if I'm always lonely for the rest of my life. I do believe in God and I didn't want to feel sorry for myself, but I got really mad at God. Then I got extremely sad again and I felt like I couldn't breathe and I started crying uncontrollably.

I've never felt claustrophobic, but in that moment I had to run out the shower and I ran to my room and just sat on my floor and tried to regain my breath, but I couldn't. I thought about taking a bunch of advils, but then I went into my moms room and found this insulin pen and for some reason I injected myself with it. I kept breathing and breathing until I found myself able to breathe again.

For a while I just sat there I just sat there with the needle and pricked myself watching the drops off blood. After that I got myself together, but I started having suicidal thoughts again when only an hour ago I thought I was completely past it.

Sitting here typing on my laptop, I know that I don't want to kill myself but I also know that I keep looking hope. The second semester of school is coming up and part of me thinks that a new person is going to come to my school and I'll really connect with that person and be able to open up to him or her. I want that to happen so badly, but there's also a part of me that doesn't expect it to happen, because I've had hope like this in the past and I also just ended up crushed.

I haven't been to a psychologist or had someone diagnose me with bipolar disorder or depression or anxiety, and I don't know whether I really have. I don't know if it's something I need medical help for or if it's just something my mind to lying to me about.

I just know that I need help, but I don't know where to go or who I can trust.