I entered therapy to improve my social life and explore why I was becoming attached too quickly in my relationships. I also had the nagging feeling that I didn't know myself and I needed a little help to find out. I also have very dissatisfying personal relationships (read: I'm constantly single and have no friends.) My peers make me nervous.

I chose my T because he was Buddhist. He is male and I am female but I shrugged it off thinking he'd be a 'blank slate' anyway and I'd never feel attracted to him. Without initially knowing it, I picked someone my age (I later looked him up on LinkedIn and did the math) and super attractive. The picture on his site gave me no indication he was of similar age and so attractive.

I am pretty sure his demographics are hurting my chances to open up to him. He knows this...I sound like a broken record. He knows I am attracted (but I don't think the extent) and he knows his age bugs me. It sucks trying to simultaneously be myself (without fulling knowing who that is!) while being so aware of my attraction to him. It's like being back in high school and feeling like such a loser in front of your crush.

For several weeks I threatened to quit. I told my T I had googled some other therapists, just to look. He said he understood. Then I announced my resolve to stick it out and he told me I had made a good choice. Well, I googled some T's again today. Is it a betrayal to my T (and awkward for a different T) if I email someone else explaining why my relationship to my current T is strained? I would not mention my current T's name or practice, of course. Part of me wants to consult with a different T to see what it's like to be with an older woman, not a younger man. Should I tell my current T I'm considering this?

Also: my current T sees me at a dramatically reduced rate on his sliding scale. It's still a lot of money but more than reasonable. I am not sure if I can afford someone else....the question might really end up being which is worse: therapy with a T who I'm crushing on or no therapy?