I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in '09. I went on meds and it was amazing. Clarity. That weight...the pointless sadness...it just evaporated.

I've been off meds for about six months now. No insurance at my new job. Just got insurance through the state and a new script, but I'm waiting for the meds to kick in.

In the interim, the pain is excruciating. Mental anguish on the level of the worst physical pain I've ever experienced (and I've been shot, so I've got a pretty solid point of reference). To make matters worse, there are the secondary symptoms to deal with. The 'rumination'...the invasive, compulsory thoughts about things that only aggravate my depression. I can't keep them out. I push one negative thought out and another just takes its place. The sense of worthlessness and the utter meaningless nature of existence. My brain's insistence that everything negative event in my life is because of who I am (Personal) as a whole (Pervasive) and can never be changed (Permanent).

I'm holding on to the life-line of my previous experience on medication. I know that I'm seeing the world through a neurochemical filter that is skewed. It all feels so real...that sense that the world is an ugly place filled with stupid selfish people of whom I am the worst. I know I just have to ride this out.

My friend Ryan, another Iraq vet, says to dig in deep and wait for the shelling to end. I'm dug in. God, it ****ing hurts...but I just need to ride this out. Churchill called his depression his 'black dog'. A loyal companion, but vicious. I want my black dog dead. I just have to ride this out. It's just pain. It's just pain. It's just pain. It's just pain...