Sorry. I know I've been posting way too much. I'm having a rough time.

I was watching some kid's show that my brother was watching. In the show, the mom was taking care of her sick son and I just suddenly got really oddly upset. I wish my T could actually be my mom. I wish she were here right now to fuss with my hair, rub my forehead, and hold me. She's done all of that in the past (my definition of being "held" is not literally being held). I just have to accept that this is the most I will get and it's okay to only have "mom" once a week as opposed to every day all the time. I really got into playing that role while I was residential. It's probably healthier this way. I guess it's kinda like real life where kids slowly separate from their mothers. Only this wasn't slow and she isn't my real mom.

I just wish I knew she feels the same way and misses me too. I know she does. She hasn't been able to follow her own contact rules because she worries too much. The most we've gone no contact this break has been about 4 days before either I mess up and email her or she asks how I'm doing. She spent her break getting her private practice running and finishing getting licensed through some insurance so she can continue working with me. She was wanting to do that anyway but said that because I came around, she pushed to get that finished faster. I'm scared that it won't work out and that she will tell me this Thursday when I finally see her again that this will be the last time I see her. But worrying that is kinda ridiculous because I know that isn't what will happen.

It's just really hard for me to think that basically everyone who I want right now to support and nurture me are people that would leave if I couldn't pay them. But T talked to me on the phone over break and emailed me and is meeting with me on Thurs for no charge.

I don't know. I'm just being melodramatic. The only reason I'm posting this here is because I feel like I have no one to talk to about this stuff so if this is me just talking myself into circles and no one can figure out how to respond, thanks for listening. Or reading. Whatever. I go home in 3 days.