Aw Growli...this post of yours made me cry.

One of the things I am most bitter and angry about, in life, is that we get one shot at parents and if they don't work out, that's it.

We can heal, we can mourn that loss, we can lament the unfairness of it. But it doesn't change that fact of it. I cry every time I think about this.

I've read some great books on family estrangements and I've come to learn that my family of choice, and therapist, are way more supportive and healthy for me. Even if my friends require reciprocal relationships and even though my T is paid.

Not having a mom and dad means you have to outsource many functions to many people, since no two people will do what a mom and dad does.

For nurturing and motherly understanding, I rely on T. For cuddling and physical affection, I relied upon significant others and ultimately, my spouse. For career guidance, I relied up on mentors from university and bosses from my job and the university career counselor. For unconditional love and acceptance and forgiveness, I turned to God. For community and a sense of family, I have relied upon my jobs, my work teams and later in life, my church.

(I wasn't raised religious but chose a faith as an adult.)

I don't have a dog but I think it would complete my line up.

Over the years, without knowing I was doing it, I created a "Team PeeJay," of people who would help me out and be there for me. Some are paid, but many many many are not. And it feels good to give back to other stragglers and "orphans" in return.

Many people in the gay community understand this, particularly if they were born into families who rejected them for who they were. I've often gotten on well with people who also do not have strong family ties, who live far from their families of origin, and with the gay community.

And even with all this, I still cry myself a river over the lack of good parenting and over the abuse. It is just unfair and it sucks and it's hard. I don't think it's a club any of us would willingly join.

Edited to add: And I forgot the most important one! Oneself!

Self-reliance and personal responsibility are virtues for a reason. We need to know how to ask for help in life -- that is a valuable skill. But We also need to rely upon ourselves and to trust ourselves to provide for ourselves across the needs spectrum. Those needs include the need for shelter and money, but also the need for nurturing. (I'm still learning how to self-soothe without turning to vices that will hurt me.)

One of the big realizations of my 30s is that I'm in charge of my own fun. Nobody is going to make life fun for me, or take me on fancy vacations, or give me recess each day. I have to take fun more seriously. I have to give myself a creative outlet and a space to have real fun, the kind where I get to laugh and play and enjoy being on this planet. Some of the most fun activities cost so little and are so rewarding, it's just a matter of finding yours. (I know that music brings you joy. That's a gift!)

So yes, you are your biggest resource. And that's true for everyone but those of us with crap for parental support learn that sooner than the rest.