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Originally Posted by PeeJay
Yeah...good point and observation on the society itself being not as accepting and loving of gays.
Definitely talk with your therapist about feeling numb about the abuse. I don't know the stages of healing from that but I imagine that anger and sadness are inevitable ... eventually.
Numbness, which is what I think you're saying? is a form of protection.
I have some huge issues that I found out regarding my origins and family truths and I felt numb about it for about 15 years! And I knew that numbness wasn't the reaction that anyone would expect. I think I just couldn't handle anything so my mind built a wall around the information. I talked about serious issues with a flat tone and a stony face - I felt nothing inside about it except marginally deflated. I could state facts but I couldn't FEEL.
Therapy is helping with that. And by helping I mean, leading to healing in a way that oftentimes feels excruciatingly painful.
This sounds so paternalistic but, good for you for having friends. I've noticed that a lot of people on these boards struggle alone. Even having one good friend in this world, which is often harsh, is an accomplishment and a treasure.
But yeah, it sucks they can't fill the void completely.
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Numb about it? No, I wouldn’t quite say that. It’s kinda complicated actually. I kinda feel like everything has lost meaning. I feel like I myself have lost meaning. And it’s hard to describe. I guess it feels like what I would imagine a burn victim might feel looking in the mirror for the first time after a tragic accident that left their face deformed. Just a few hours earlier, they could look in the mirror and see their face but now all they see is some hideous monster. They feel like the fire robbed them of their beauty and left a monster in its place. Why does taking care of a body that is already so messed up even matter? Why does anything even matter anymore? But at the same time, I’m not a burn victim. No one can look at me and immediately know what I’ve experienced and I don’t actually look any different. Yet I feel so stained and worthless.
But that’s how the trauma is making me feel about myself and life in general. There is no concrete emotion to put on how I feel about what actually happened yet. I sometimes get angry at my father. I’m confused as to how he could have done this. But neither of those emotions really fit how I feel. I will probably eventually develop something beyond just fear. Maybe numb is the right word. It’s just a complicated numb. When I see my T’s on Thurs (I’m seeing both of them actually), I will talk about this.