I really need some help right now. I feel so lost. I can't get close to people. That it seems to me is the root of my depression and anxiety. Socializing is very difficult for me so it makes it hard with jobs. But I'm not bad at it, people say I'm a likeable person and I can carry conversations. But sometimes I am quite for really long periods of time. And I sit there thinking why do I never speak I'm bad at talking etc but then sometimes when I feel in the right mood I can just carry out conversations just fine and I realize that most of the times I just don't want to or something. I just get trapped in my head. Ah sometimes I just feel like I am just observing the world not actually in it. I can really isolate. I have a friend who is a very good one. He wants to be more than friends and I do like him. And we really get along and have a lot in common. In fact I was hoping for this but now that it's an opportunity I am avoiding it. I realize all the time that I actually don't want close relationships emotionally or physically anymore. I don't know why. I got out of my last relationship a good 2 year one because I just didn't want to see him anymore. I didn't want to be that close to anyone even though we were getting along. I remember when I was first in the relationship and for a while during it thinking wow this is just so much better than being single but now even when good opportunities come I just don't want it or maybe I do but I'm avoiding it I don't know. Most of the time I feel like I do want to find someone but then when it's actually there I'm like no I just don't want to be that close to anyone. It's been like this for a couple of years now and there was a period of time for about 6-7 years in the past that I hardly spoke to people and didn't really have any friends. As I look back on it, I had people who I could have hung out with but for whatever reason I just didn't. I don't know if it's fear of rejection or if I just really don't wanna be close to people. I feel depressed a lot and nothing seems to help it. I'm out of college (23) and have done some fun and good healing wholeistic jobs and tried therapy a little, exercise, meditation. I spend a lot of time in nature and that helps but as it is winter now I still go for hikes and stuff but in nature way less than I'm used it. it all helps some but no matter what a lot of it stays stagnant. i get suicidal thoughts a lot, but less than I used to and I am not currently in a place where that's a decision I'd be making but the thoughts still come in often. I've had them since I was 14 so it's just hard to feel like I don't really want to be alive a lot of the time. There's a lot more I'm dealing with. I've got this compulsive behavior that's destructive and smoke weed a lot. It usually seems to help me. I feel happier and less anxious and I talk to people more when I smoke. Please any advice or comment or something would be cool. I'm tired of feeling alone in this. i don't feel like my therapist is helping well I just don't trust her even though she seems good and all I just can't be comfortable around most people.